I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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