You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
