just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
