I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
