the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize