i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
