Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
