Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
