My hand turned me down
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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