Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize