My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
