So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
