Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I want her autograph on my taint
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
