Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
she told me i tasted like america
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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