Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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