i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
