I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
