For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
