we have officially lost it.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
