oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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