Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
