Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just want nice things and good sex
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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