Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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