I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
