You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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