I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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