I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
