you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
