he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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