you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
