i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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