On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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