That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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