it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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