She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
