dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
