I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
