She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
