I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
