Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
