help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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