i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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