I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
