she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
