I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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