I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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