Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
