i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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