im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
