Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
