seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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