high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
