I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
