Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
