dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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