I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
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