my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
